A Lesson From Being DumpedSunday, October 11, 2015
I don’t know how to call my condition lately. Is it okay or not, I just can’t decide. Everything happened in a twisted way, I feel high but also broken into pieces at almost the same time, and those two feeling happened only in a blink of an eye.
For about a month I have to admit that I’ve been letting my guards down. I opened up a door for someone and letting him in, and for the first time after 8 months of solitary I feel like I am ready to break my walls down. For a month I feel like all the butterflies in my belly that I set free finally come back and they won’t stop tickling me whenever I got a message from him. I smiled whenever I held my phone replying his message, and I just can’t stop counting down until the time I finally had a chance to meet him.
Everything was perfect until a week ago. The messages suddenly stopped, the blocking of social media account happened and I didn’t prepare myself for that. I am broken into pieces, again. I’m feeling like I’m a fool. I questioned myself “why?” but yet I got no answer. You know, I always hate when someone leave me hanging. I hate every moment of silence which leads to many unanswered question.
The funny thing is, the moment I realized that I know he’s been playing around, the moment I let my tears coming down, it was also the moment I know that I have to end my own misery. I called my parents in the first place, one thing I don’t usually do when I am in bad condition. I told them all the things that happened to me, I let myself cry when I talked to them, I even asked my Dad not to be angry at me because I feel like this isn’t something that they should hear from their daughter. All this time I’ve always wanted my parents to see me in a good shape, but it wasn’t happening that night. I feel like my parents have the right to know that sometimes I’m not okay, sometimes I’m broken, sometimes I did a mistake, and they deserve to know that their daughter is trying her best to be the best for them.
I talked with my parents for like two hours, and it was the longest phone call I ever had with them. I suddenly missed home, and I wish that I had the ability to teleport and be at home immediately. I don’t know why but it was a total relief after I talked to my parents. All things they said were totally make sense and I couldn’t object any of it. I might be denying a fact that boys sometimes give false hope, but my Dad said,
“You know, Fir. I’ve been in that boy’s shoes. Act like giving hope to many girls. But in the end, when I met your Mom, and by the time I know that she is the one, the other thing had to be stopped. I ended up with your Mom and that’s it. Right now I just want you to know that I am proud of you, for telling me this story, for trusting me to hear your story. You still have many choices in your life to be chosen, dear. He’s still somebody else for you, and that should make you question yourself, “is he really worth it?” You still have plenty things to do, make me and your Mom proud, chasing your dreams, and that’s what you should consider priority right now. ”
The moment he finished talking, I know that that’s it. I have to move on. I have to continue what’s been paused. I may need some time to grieve, to listen to all sad songs, to read many moving on articles, but once I feel it is enough, and then enough is enough. It was just a month-sparks and nothing more. I still have many great things waiting for me in the future.
I no longer think that I am a fool. I no longer question myself “Why?”. I won’t need any of sad-heartbroken playlist in my phone or my laptop in order to feel better. I just accept the fact that pain demands to be felt. Human needs broken heart phase, human needs painful losing-phase, in order to be a better version of them. And that what makes a human, human. That what makes me, a better version of Me.